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US Cellular Ballpark Beer Review

Eno Sarris, July 24, 2013 -   

There's no ivy. You spend far too long walking up a concrete bunker of a walkway straight out of the 1970s. There aren't many frills. Getting to and from the park isn't always easy. You don't care, but the press box is along the first base line instead of behind the plate. The concourse is relatively open, but there are shades of Shea.

There is good beer if you look for it, on the other hand.

Well, not everywhere. Mostly it's Miller and it's various monstrosities. It's still a ballpark. You *will* have to spend some effort finding your better beer.

And even when you find 'special' beer huts, you might snarf your beverage. Some of you, at least.

Like the "Favorite Leinie Mixes" stand. Whoo boy. There, you can "Mix any of your favorite Leinie's beers to create your own exciting flavor!" I'll try to rein in the beer snobbery and remember that I once enjoyed a Kriek Lambic poured into a Gueuze, so I'm not against beer mixes. And I've had sweet beers that didn't upset me before. But I found I was not interested in making a "Pink Lemonade" out of 1/2 Summer Shandy and 1/2 Berry Weiss. It's in center field if you are interested in this thing, which is okay of course. Because, hey, summer. (But all of these beers have negative BAR, so the stand is not going on the beer map below.)

This monstrosity, however, must be stopped:

Those are not craft beers and that is not a destination. We've been here before, too. I thought we learned this lesson already. All of those beers are made by major breweries, and all of them are alcohol water in my estimation. Our leaderboards agree: Blue Moon Agave Nectar (-.13 BAR), Henry Weinhard's IPA (-5.45), Batch 19 (2.17) and Third Shift Amber (-3.59) is a terrible selection of beer. Miller Lite (2.75) beats them all. 

Fear not, however. Look for the "Midwest Brews" stands so helpfully pointed out in red below on the beer map.

You may not be impressed by this heat map of good beer. It's probably not enough to give The Cell a top tier rating. But those three Midwest Brew Huts do save the entire park from a bad grade.

Because:

  • Barley Island Bar Fly IPA (3.07)
  • Bell's Oberon (3.47)
  • Two Brother's Ebel's Weiss (0.89)
  • Great Lakes Eliot Ness (2.9)
  • Jarret Payton's All American Wheat (UR)
  • New Holland Mad Hatter IPA (-.96)
  • Molson Canadian (.73)
  • Sam Adams Boston Lager (2.72)
  • Summit Saga IPA (3.28)
  • Daisy Cutter Pale Ale (6.0)
  • Guinness Draught (10.4)
  • Pilsner Urquell (1.97)

 

Among others. A caveat: They said they had Daisy Cutter, but they didn't. But when they do! Then this list will be made more excellent. Even as is, it's a decent way to spend eight bucks.

Without the Daisy Cutter, this is a ballpark that's treading water. Let's give it a B- to keep it out of the Cs. If you spent a game drinking Daisy Cutters you got from a couple sections away, you'd probably have an A- situation going on (provided the Sox weren't getting run). But that probably doesn't describe as much as 40% of the stadium, stuck considering Miller Lite or a berry mix.

US Cellular: 82/100

Top Beers: Daisy Cutter (6.0), Guinness Draught (10.0), Bell's Oberon (3.47)
Excellent Stands: Three or four
Price: Average

If you know of any additional craft beer destinations in The Cell, let me know in the comments and I can update the map.

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