The Coolest Bottle Opener In The World

J. R. Shirt, January 09, 2014

I have a bottle opener in the shape of a totem pole. It was my father-in-law's. I could say that he gave it to me, or to Wife, or to us, but I am pretty sure that would be factually incorrect. I believe Wife, at some earlier time in her life, when her nostalgic attachments to objects overruled the nostalgic attachment of anyone else, simply took the bottle opener. He now knows we have it, and I am thankful that he did not ask for it back and that we no longer have to hide it when he comes over.

It has been in a drawer in my kitchen in two different houses. It first appeared, or I first became aware of it, when Wife and I moved in together. I have used it to open beer bottles for almost a decade and I'm sure it had been used for such a purpose for many years prior to that.

It is a totem pole consisting of a frog, a whale (or a fish), and an eagle. The eagle has a face on its back, with the tongue sticking out. Coincidentally, a face with its tongue sticking out is my spirit animal. It appears to be made of pewter, but may also be made of something else, like solid gold painted to look like pewter, or the decomposing flesh of the Silver Surfer. The word 'Canada' appears across the top of the bottle opener, implying that it was made in Canada, which implies it was imported, which implies it is more important than your bottle opener.

A quick internet query revealed that it was made by Boma Manufacturing out of Vancouver, British Columbia. It also revealed that you can purchase a bottle opener just like this one, but not quite as great, on eBay for about $16.

I appreciate the weight of it in my hand, and am glad I have it every time I use it. I estimate its weight at 12 pounds. 

Once, when I was away from home and without the bottle opening prowess of the totem pole bottle opener, I used a plastic lighter and my soft hands to open a bottle of beer. After a pep talk and some hands-on instruction, I was able to open the bottle. I did, however, develop a rather nasty blood blister on my pointer finger, which took forever to heal – maybe a month or so. When it finally did heal, a wart grew in it's place. At first I thought it was just a callus, but I showed it to my Mother and she confirmed it was a wart. 

Based on my life experiences with and without the totem pole bottle opener, I can only assume that people who don't have a bottle opener as cool as mine must be covered in warts.  

That sounds terrible.

Show me yours (bottle openers only, please) in the comments or on Twitter @beeronmyshirt.