Beer On My Shirt: First Name Vagueries and Personal Grooming

J. R. Shirt, April 10, 2014

Think about the weekend that just passed. What did you do? What didn't you do that you wanted to do? My simple answers to those questions are 'went to Home Depot' and 'cut back my pubic hair', respectively. Obviously, no weekend is ever as simple as 'I did this' and 'I didn't do that'. No weekend is ever merely just a short drive to the local home improvement super store and a lack of private time for personal grooming. Or maybe that is every weekend ever if you are an unkempt person with an immaculate lawn and constant projects that lives near a Home Depot or similar retail home improvement store.


For most of us, weekends are about the details. On a Monday, when Bob from accounting asks how your weekend was, you reply with words like 'depot' and 'lattice' and 'ant problem'. You say those words and Bob nods and instantly the whole conversation simply evaporates into the office aether while you stare off into the distance and reminisce about the details you neglected to mention to Bob from accounting – the 10 Yuengling Premium Lagers you drank on Sunday afternoon in the sun while doing absolutely nothing – the standing crane kick you did when the Mets won a game on a walk-off grand slam – how you may have seriously injured your hamstring doing said standing crane kick but the pain reminds you of the pure joy you felt at that moment. The limp is your weekend. The grand slams and crane kicks are the details.


Sometimes though, the weekend and the details are dominated by what you didn't do. Maybe you didn't wash the car. Or clean the bathroom. Or do laundry. Maybe you wanted to get some cooking done for the week and now because you didn't your weeknights are going to be that much more hectic. Or maybe, like me, you wanted to trim back the pubic hair you've been growing all winter. Maybe growing your pubic hair is something you do every winter for a multitude of reasons such as warmth, laziness, and symmetry with the beard you also let grow through the winter months. Just maybe you are slave to the idea of symmetry even though neither your beard nor your pubic hair would be described by anyone as symmetrical, whether viewed individually or in tandem. And maybe, because of a particularly hard and long winter this year, your pubic hair has grown to lengths it has never grown before. Perhaps it grows straight and is becoming problematic, turning simple tasks into delicate procedures. And none of these possibilities are in anyway going to add to your level of productivity in any facet of your life during the week.


However, on the bright side, the longer you let it go the more extreme the makeover will be. Like a long haired hippie that joined the Marines back in his hometown for the first time since basic training, with a fresh crew cut and new muscles. Old friends let out audible gasps; drawn in by the short haircut, they can't help but rub the young soldier's head. When you finally go through with this grand cut back, this big reveal, or maybe just 'the reveal' is more appropriate, perhaps Wife will let out an audible gasp – not so much like old friends seeing a new man, but more like the gasp of a women that just got into her car and saw an albino earthworm in a cupholder that is usually filled with pennies and nickels.


But enough about the things I didn't do this weekend. Let's focus on things that actually happened.


So, yes, this weekend I went to Home Depot. On the way, I listened to an episode of the FanGraphs Baseball Podcast, (not the RotoGraphs Sleeper and the Bust podcast hosted by Jason Collette and featuring BeerGraphs' own Eno Sarris, but rather the podcast hosted by Cason Cistulli featuring any number guests but most consistently FanGraphs' holder of the conch Dave Cameron). Specifically, I listened to the episode from March 31st in which Dave Cameron previews all baseball. During the episode, Cameron launched into a tirade about how the Dodgers have several players named Justin – Justin Sellers and Justin Turner – and how they are simply not good. He went on to say that they should acquire Justin Smoak and then they would have all the bad Justins – specifically all the bad, white Justins. Essentially, if your name is Justin and you are white then you are terrible at baseball and probably other things as well.


Now, my name may or may not be Justin – I'd rather not get into the specifics of what the “J” in “J. R.” stands for. I also may or may not be white. I certainly do not appreciate all white Justins being negatively stereotyped. I may or may not be offended.


It turns out Justin Sellers is on the Indians, essentially nullifying Cameron's entire argument. Don't mess with the bull, Dave – you'll get the horns.


In other news involving vague first name associations, I recently drank a hoppy amber ale by the Maine Beer Company named Zoe, which may or may not be the name of my daughter. My daughter, whose name may or may not be Zoe or some alternate spelling there of, such as Zooey, or Zoey, or Zoseph – recently turned three. She also recently convinced the teachers at her preschool that one of their toys was actually her toy that she had brought in for show and tell. It wasn't until the end of the day when they tried to send the toy home with Dad that her vast criminal empire was put to an end. I waited until I was six until I told my first major lie – to my father, that I had skipped the first grade (I wrote about it here). I got away with it for an entire weekend and I was treated like a king.


Zoe, Maine Beer Company


Appearance = 4/5


Dark, reddish brown with a half inch of dense, off-white head. It takes on an amber color when you hold up to the light. I liked the way it looked.


Smell = 4.25/5


Citrus and pine and even some mint, but may just be a very clean pine smell. Maybe a slight herbal and floral notes. And caramel.


Taste = 4.5/5


More caramel and even chocolate notes than the nose suggested. Nice orange with some of that faint mint from the nose. The finish is a very crisp, refreshing pine bite.


Feel = 5/5


I wrote “great feel” in my notes. Tiny bubbles lend to the smoothness and add to the bright and easy feel of the bitterness from the hops. Medium body.


Overall = 4.5/5


Really well done, looking forward to having more of this. Really great orange and pine in the hop profile. The clean, easy pine, as opposed to dank or resinous – is just great. Very enjoyable.  


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