Beer On My Shirt: The Best $5 Bomber I've Ever Had

J. R. Shirt, July 08, 2015

Disclaimer: Technically, the bomber the title is referring to was actually five bucks and some change and then with tax, and well let's just say, a more honest man might have called it a $6 bomber. Also, at some point below I am going to mention doing something with the organic coconut oil that Wife keeps in the bathroom. I am going to say I did something, when in actuality, I did not. I have thought about it. But I have not done it. And it is not what your thinking. Unless we have similar issues. In which case, dare I ask, did it work?


Recently, I have started using washcloths in the shower. I figured I was about to be outnumbered 3 to 1 by washcloth users in this household and it was time I hopped aboard to see what all the fuss what about. I mean, we have plenty of washcloths; I practically built a closet for the sole purpose of housing washcloths. In fact, it was while organizing the new closet with what seemed like too many washcloths that I paused, held a single washcloth in my hand, and wondered what all the fuss was about.

I rubbed the terrycloth fabric between my fingers. I pressed it against my cheek. I weighed the pros and cons. The benefits it would most likely have for my extremely oily skin. I thought about the exfoliating qualities – perhaps it would help rid me of the nearly microscopic skin tags around the base of my neck that I fear will someday start to grow at an irreversible pace and I will look like a mutant half-man half-lion that wears special t-shirts to accommodate my oversized mane of floppy skin tags. A 360 degree flesh mop around my neck is one of my biggest fears with regards to aging.

I thought back to the times I had stayed as a guest at friends' homes and they had set out a matching towel and washcloth in the guest bathroom. Afraid that upon my departure my host would be appalled to find that I did not use the washcloth, I would without fail take that washcloth into the shower with me, get it wet as I imagined washcloth people would, and then toss it aside, convinced I had successfully perpetrated the ruse that I am a reasonable and clean man.

Speaking of reasonable and clean, the bomber of AleSmith X Extra Pale Ale, recently purchased based on the recommendations of several from the BeerGraphs community, was both reasonably priced and featured a clean, airy, ale feel on the front end of every sip that was just outstanding.

Around the same time I started considering using washcloths, I was researching what exactly was wrong with my asshole. Hemorrhoids did not appear to be an issue but yet there was an itching that seemed at times to be all consuming. I feared I might have some type of worm parasite because a friend had mentioned that a year or two back as a thing that happens. But after some top notch internet research, I came to the conclusion that I was experiencing a condition referred to as anal pruritus, which I have since renamed anus puritist, because I am of the belief that my condition is the result of over cleaning. I am awaiting a doctor's appointment to confirm my diagnosis.

“My word, that is one of the cleanest I've ever seen. It's just too damn clean, young man. Janet, come in here. You've got to see this!”

You may be wondering how a man that just recently began using washcloths was able to obtain a sphincter that is medically deemed “too clean”. Listen, some things in life are paradoxes and we just have to accept them, okay? Let's all decide to just walk away from this one. You've seen the X-Files – some things can't be explained.

However, before we dive head first into how delicious this AleSmith X Extra Pale Ale, I think it is important to mention that one of the remedies for Anus Puritist is coconut oil. Based on what I've read in holistic internet forums, direct applications of coconut oil to the afflicted area should provide relief. And it just so happens that Wife currently has a large jar of organic coconut oil in our bathroom that she uses for some sort of post-pregnancy homeopathic skin treatment. Hopefully she doesn't read this.

These same holistic internet forums also recommended that I swallow a spoonful of coconut oil everyday. Never in my life have I feared double dipping quite in the way that the potential combination of these two remedies have instilled it in me.

I have since sworn off all chips and all dips.

X Extra Pale Ale, AleSmith Brewing Co.

Appearance = 4.5/5

Hazy gold. A finger of white head off the pour with a decent top coat sticking around. The lacing is great.

Smell = 4/5

Nice mix of citrus fruit, pine, and citrus rind. The smell is bright and frankly, I find it exciting.

Taste = 4.25/5

The aroma and the flavors match up well. Less bitterness than I expected, which is pleasantly refreshing – still has bitterness, just not as expected based on the nose. Really great resinous pine flavors, bitter rind notes, and not quite orange and not quite grapefruit fruity flavors.

Feel = 4.5/5

Smooth ale feel. Manages to be clean and airy up front and thicker on the back end as the bitterness starts to happen.

Overall = 4.25/5

Simultaneously impressed and upset that I hadn't picked this up sooner. At under $6 bucks for a 22 oz bomber, it may be the best (non-local) beer for the price that I've had in quite some time (even though the numbers on the leaderboards don't back up my claims - #306 American Pale Ale based on BAR). It may be a touch too sweet if you are sensitive to that, but I'm pretty sure this is my new favorite regularly available pale ale (besides Neshaminy Creek's J.A.W.N.).

JR Shirt also hosts the Drinking With Shirt Podcast and Episode 23 just came out – you should listen to it here or on iTunes. Come to the BeerGraphs Meetups: Brooklyn (7/11), Philly (7/16), Chicago (7/16).