Not Quite Hot Internet Beer Video: Things Beer Geeks Say

Josh Augustine, July 24, 2013

The following video has been brought to my attention via a friend or acquaintence whose friend request I once accepted on popular social media platform Facebook. You may hopefully view it within this article, as it has been clumsily embedded below:

This video follows a trend that happened on the internet about 25 internet years ago which was the "Shit that group of people X say" trend. Therein, the video makers choose a subset of the human race, identify phrases which may commonly be uttered by said group of people, and then record themselves saying similar but exaggerated versions of these phrases.

This video appears to have been written and produced in Australia, which, let's face it, significantly reduces it's legitimacy. That said, I'm an open minded fellow and willing to analyze the content therein.

Let's start with the good news. Some of the things here are things I have said, or could see myself actually saying:

  • "I want enough hops that it's going to strip the enamel off of my teeth."
  • "I've been on a bit of a saison trip for the last six months." (However, I don't see myself ever, ever describing a saison as a "zesty, spritzy sort of thing.")
  • "WOW! Sniff that!" (Maybe not with as much exuberance, but okay, yeah.)
  • "Galaxy? Does this have Galaxy in it?"
  • "Beer can be just as, if not more complex than wine, you know." (I've said something along these lines so many times.)
  • "What am I drinking? It's awesome!" (I must confess to, at some point in time, having ordered a beer, forgot what I ordered, and desperatly clamored later on to find out what it was because I did enjoy it so much.)
  • "It's like I've been smashed in the face by a Christmas tree with mangoes in it." (I'm pretty sure I've said almost exactly this phrase on at least one occasion, though I probably went with something more like, "It's like I've been smashed in the face by a Christmas tree from which mangoes have been delicately hung." It's okay, Aussies, you'll catch up eventually.)

And now, the "What in the world are you Aussies talking about anyway?" division:

  • "This is from this really cool bar I went to in New York. Twenty taps. Fruit beers..." (Twenty taps isn't much to brag about nowadays, and fruit beers never have been.)
  • "Yeah, it's more like an Imperial IPA than an IPA." (Come on.)
  • "Last year I was just looking for brown outs, you know? Or toast. Length of toast." (Seriously, Australia, nobody knows what you're talking about.)
  • "Is this contract brewed? I can smell the contract?" (I've never heard anyone make claims like this. Maybe it happens. Some cursory Google searching suggests a certain understanding of the situation and acknowledgement of quality by contract brews.)
  • "That definitely could be hoppier." (At this point, I'm pretty sure that folks have pushed hops to their limit. Have a Green Flash Palate Wrecker and call me in the morning.)
  • "This is a really limited release. You can't have one though, they only brewed a pint." (I have a couple of issues with this. First of all, he didn't stand in line for 3 days and complete an obstacle course to get the beer. Secondly, I don't care how limited it is, if you've opened it, and you're with close company, you're sharing at least a sip or two.)
  • "Whoa. That's hideously infected. Unless it's a Lambic, in which case it's awesome." (There's a pretty notable difference between good sour and bad sour.)

BarelyBeerers! We can do better! Some suggestions:

  • "I really love the sort of funkiness I get from the Brettanomyces yeast here."
  • "Whoa, what's the grain bill on this? I'm definitely getting some rye spiciness."
  • "Pours with about 1 1/2 - 2 fingers of head."
  • "I traded homebrews with a guy in line at Dark Lord Day, and the beer I got from him alone made the whole trip worth it!"

Maybe you'll all post some more in the comments, perhaps?