Beer On My Shirt: A Diet, Day 1

J.R. Shirt, May 25, 2016

Monday was the first day of this new diet I'm trying. I'm not trying to lose weight necessarily, just sort of correct some unhealthy eating habits that I've developed while trying to maintain a certain level of loathing as winter dragged on and spring sputtered to launch.

I'd give you the specifics of the diet, but the more I say things about it out loud, the more ridiculous it sounds. So the basics: no carbs, no dairy, and all the guacamole I can handle.

Real talk: I was going to severely limit my intake of carbs in the form of food, mildly cut back on weeknight liquid carbs, and stick pretty hard and fast to the no dairy thing by turning all cheese scenarios into guacamole scenarios

So Day 1, and I'm all set. I bought all these things that belong to the legume family to keep up my caloric intake, I got all this spinach, and I got plenty of guacamole. I even woke up and made myself a healthy, protein-heavy breakfast.

I get to work and I'm feeling good. Not the typical desire for cheetos or chocolate. Get to lunch and I'm genuinely excited for my spinach salad featuring a healthy dose of lentils and quinoa.

And then my co-worker takes this gigantic chocolate cake out of the fridge. And then a cheesecake. What are the chances? This is not a normal occurrence. This is bullshit. Incredibly delicious, yes. But still bullshit.

So I eat a slice of each and go about my day. No big deal.

Then I get home. There's a package on the porch. Oh, just a couple cans of beer. Tree House Brewing. No big deal. Just another obvious example of the Universe conspiring against me: Chocolate cake, cheesecake, and Tree House beers. No way this trifecta happens by accident. What's next? Delicious fried Mrs. T's Perogies growing on trees? I'm onto you Brother Numpsie!

Just bring me the cake and the beer and I'll give you the knife. And no one will have to be destroyed... just like that.

Green, Tree House Brewing Company

Appearance = 5/5
I don't know. The beer is cloudy and maybe that's not right, but I dig it and it sends me down this twisted path of quotes from The Golden Child. Keep your thoughts as pure as the water. Well, this beer doesn't look all that pure – it's cloudy as hell. But whatever, only a man who's heart is pure can wield the knife and only a man whose ass is narrow can fit down these steps. And if mine is such an ass, then I shall have it. I will resume the diet tomorrow.

Smell = 4.75/5
The can says pineapple and orange sorbet and tangerine and that nails it. There is some dry grass and citrus rind in there as well.

Taste = 5/5
The taste hits all the same notes as the aroma but as a sopping wet sheet being pulled over the tongue. And then that sheet drys out and you open your mouth half expecting a little citrus butterfly to fly out. But it doesn't, so you take another sip and try again and then repeat.

Feel = 5/5
I wonder what I would think this beer looked like if I had worn a blindfold the whole time. Would I expect the look of it? I think so. It's definitely feels different. It's thick and creamy, hence the milkshake references that I've heard thrown around with these turbid NE IPAs. But the thick and creamy thing is different than my past thick and creamy experiences. Maybe the carbonation plays different? I mean, yes, it definitely does.

Overall = 5/5
I'm into it. A lot.

Follow JR Shirt on Twitter and Untapped @beeronmyshirt. His main influences in life are Chandler Jarrell from the Golden Child and Lloyd Dobbler from Say Anything and that is a surprisingly poor combination for success.